Life After 70

A recent study stated, “The keys to a high-quality life after age 70 are health, money, and a meaningful life.”  Ah, if it were only that simple!  Those things are essential – not just after 70, but from when you’re born (a no-brainer).  The not-so-simple fact is life after retirement is unique and must be approached as such.  And though they may be called “the golden years,” make no mistake (or, in this case, mistakes) because, despite the cheery name, those years could turn out to be more leaden than golden.  However, there’s a better-than-even chance that those years – decades, hopefully – will be of even higher quality than golden (possibly platinum) if you heed the following time-tested tips:   

1. TV isn’t a hobby.  Neither is porn.  (Write this on a Post-it and stick it to the refrigerator).

2. No matter how much golf you play, you won’t get any better at your age.  Please don’t take it out on your clubs.

3. Don’t even consider undertaking any plumbing, electrical work, carpentry, and especially gutter cleaning – you’re not a new handyman (or handywoman); you’re an old whatever.

4. Like many retirees, you may feel a sudden urge to begin writing; if so, confine your efforts to grocery lists and reminders one pastes on the refrigerator– not, under any circumstances, your memoirs (unless you’re famous, nobody wants to read them).

5. If you have the time, you feel traveling will give you a lift and make you feel better. Do not go to France, especially Paris; go to Disney World.  

6. Vacuuming is not an aerobic exercise, no matter what your spouse (or, to be woke, “partner”) tells you.

7. Volunteer work in a hospital may be admirable, but expect to wait your turn in the emergency room like everybody else.

8. Florida won’t make you feel young again…not even South Beach…especially not South Beach.  Stay put where you are…except if it’s Boston – you can’t afford to live there anymore.

9. Don’t try to break a plank with your head to impress your grandkids. Stick to yoga.

10. Give hideously ugly socks to your grandkids for Christmas one year. Hide money in them.

11. Refuse to participate in camping. Excessive heat? Nope. Sleeping on the ground? Nope. No bathroom? Nope. Cooking and cleaning more while camping than at home? Nope. If it’s not a vacation for me, I won’t go. Please give me an A/C, clean sheets, an attached bathroom, a continental breakfast, and a dinner out. That’s a vacation.”

12. Avoid Looking at Yourself Naked in the Mirror. 

13. First, you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. Wear Depends.

Finally…Things you say when you reach 70.

1.    Where the hell is my phone?

2.    That isn’t my password. Damn!

3.    How do they expect you to read this small print?

4.    Who the hell is calling me at 8:00 pm?

5.    Why did I come into this room?

6.    Bring that closer. I can’t see it like you can.”