A fleas Op-Ed

I am a flea. And quite a handsome one at that. I can speak with authority on behalf of all fleas everywhere when I say we have had it! We fleas have been maligned for years…ages…eons…forever! It is high time we stood up on all six and screamed, “I am not so bad!”

We fleas possess some very admirable traits: we do not discriminate, are wonderful parents, and procreate abundantly. We can survive in many extreme climates. And attention, NBA! We can JUMP, baby! We are old souls going as far back as 200 million years! We have ten superfamilies – not one puny mob family.

Which brings me to the reason for my outrage. When we hear it said of Republicans who are all in bed with this Donald Trump character, “When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas,” this is cause for flea outrage! I am confident that every respectable flea I have ever met, and all those I do not know, are equally outraged. I would no more “get up” with any Republican, let alone Donald Trump, then I would “get down” with a hemophiliac. This is a hackneyed and, especially in this case, knee-jerk expression. I might add here that we fleas have long known Republicans to be the ideal expression of toxic hosts. Young and foolish fleas bite Republicans at their peril. My best friend Arthur bit a Republican and was hospitalized for three weeks with acute blood poisoning!

I, and all my brethren and sisters, would no sooner allow any Republican to “get up” with us as the mere thought of being close to any Republican is enough to make all the blood we’ve sucked boil. No Republican anywhere will be allowed to “get up” with any self-respecting flea anywhere as long as there is any jump in my rump.

I will admit that we, fleas and Republicans, do have some things in common. These everyday things include the fact that we are all bloodsuckers – though I admit they might be a little better at it. We are all parasites…And we all grow on manure…Especially Republicans.