Life After 70

A recent study stated, “The keys to a high-quality life after age 70 are health, money, and a meaningful life.”  Ah, if it were only that simple!  Those things are essential – not just after 70, but from when you’re born (a no-brainer).  The not-so-simple fact is life after retirement is unique and must be approached as such.  And though they may be called “the golden years,” make no mistake (or, in this case, mistakes) because, despite the cheery name, those years could turn out to be more leaden than golden.  However, there’s a better-than-even chance that those years – decades, hopefully – will be of even higher quality than golden (possibly platinum) if you heed the following time-tested tips:   

1. TV isn’t a hobby.  Neither is porn.  (Write this on a Post-it and stick it to the refrigerator).

2. No matter how much golf you play, you won’t get any better at your age.  Please don’t take it out on your clubs.

3. Don’t even consider undertaking any plumbing, electrical work, carpentry, and especially gutter cleaning – you’re not a new handyman (or handywoman); you’re an old whatever.

4. Like many retirees, you may feel a sudden urge to begin writing; if so, confine your efforts to grocery lists and reminders one pastes on the refrigerator– not, under any circumstances, your memoirs (unless you’re famous, nobody wants to read them).

5. If you have the time, you feel traveling will give you a lift and make you feel better. Do not go to France, especially Paris; go to Disney World.  

6. Vacuuming is not an aerobic exercise, no matter what your spouse (or, to be woke, “partner”) tells you.

7. Volunteer work in a hospital may be admirable, but expect to wait your turn in the emergency room like everybody else.

8. Florida won’t make you feel young again…not even South Beach…especially not South Beach.  Stay put where you are…except if it’s Boston – you can’t afford to live there anymore.

9. Don’t try to break a plank with your head to impress your grandkids. Stick to yoga.

10. Give hideously ugly socks to your grandkids for Christmas one year. Hide money in them.

11. Refuse to participate in camping. Excessive heat? Nope. Sleeping on the ground? Nope. No bathroom? Nope. Cooking and cleaning more while camping than at home? Nope. If it’s not a vacation for me, I won’t go. Please give me an A/C, clean sheets, an attached bathroom, a continental breakfast, and a dinner out. That’s a vacation.”

12. Avoid Looking at Yourself Naked in the Mirror. 

13. First, you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. Wear Depends.

Finally…Things you say when you reach 70.

1.    Where the hell is my phone?

2.    That isn’t my password. Damn!

3.    How do they expect you to read this small print?

4.    Who the hell is calling me at 8:00 pm?

5.    Why did I come into this room?

6.    Bring that closer. I can’t see it like you can.”

 

                                           

A fleas Op-Ed

I am a flea. And quite a handsome one at that. I can speak with authority on behalf of all fleas everywhere when I say we have had it! We fleas have been maligned for years…ages…eons…forever! It is high time we stood up on all six and screamed, “I am not so bad!”

We fleas possess some very admirable traits: we do not discriminate, are wonderful parents, and procreate abundantly. We can survive in many extreme climates. And attention, NBA! We can JUMP, baby! We are old souls going as far back as 200 million years! We have ten superfamilies – not one puny mob family.

Which brings me to the reason for my outrage. When we hear it said of Republicans who are all in bed with this Donald Trump character, “When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas,” this is cause for flea outrage! I am confident that every respectable flea I have ever met, and all those I do not know, are equally outraged. I would no more “get up” with any Republican, let alone Donald Trump, then I would “get down” with a hemophiliac. This is a hackneyed and, especially in this case, knee-jerk expression. I might add here that we fleas have long known Republicans to be the ideal expression of toxic hosts. Young and foolish fleas bite Republicans at their peril. My best friend Arthur bit a Republican and was hospitalized for three weeks with acute blood poisoning!

I, and all my brethren and sisters, would no sooner allow any Republican to “get up” with us as the mere thought of being close to any Republican is enough to make all the blood we’ve sucked boil. No Republican anywhere will be allowed to “get up” with any self-respecting flea anywhere as long as there is any jump in my rump.

I will admit that we, fleas and Republicans, do have some things in common. These everyday things include the fact that we are all bloodsuckers – though I admit they might be a little better at it. We are all parasites…And we all grow on manure…Especially Republicans.

 

 

                                 Driving Me Crazy- Part 2

There are still some basic life issues that make no sense. In a world full of geniuses, there should only be progress. Life can be incredibly unpredictable, and it is not uncommon for us to encounter various inconveniences throughout our daily routines.

Irritating inconvenience is packaging.

·       Those stickers on products that leave sticker residue when pulling them off. So now you have sticky goo with paper bits on your cup.

·       When a package says 'peel here,' 'tear here,' or nothing at all, and it never works, you need scissors, a knife, or a hammer and chisel to open the package. Or worse, in the boxes where the flap is glued, you pull the thing, and it just tears off the box. Then, you're forced to rip the box apart with your bare hands to get to the product.

Inferior audio quality.

·       Fast food drive-thru speakers. How in 2024 can it even sound that bad?

·       The music volume in movies is much louder than the dialogue.

·       And commercials blaring louder than the feature show.

Hard taco shell packaging. It should read, “12 shells, nine after you open them”.

Cereal bags do not have a zipper closure, so the cereal gets stale quicker, and you have to throw it away, forcing you to buy a replacement.

Intermittent WiFi connection.

·        Your story is not uploading to Instagram or Facebook

·        Your streaming constantly buffers when you have more than enough download speed.

·        Dies unexpectedly, forcing you to reboot and wait for 30 minutes.

·        The cost!

 

Telephone calls from an unknown number or getting a call from someone who can't speak English.

 

·        Running out of phone battery.

·        Running out of mobile phone data or a lost signal.

·        Auto-correct on your phone.

·        The size of the keyboard.

When your computer seemingly needs to ‘update’ every morning, and the mega ads that pop up on your browser cover your page, and you gotta hunt for that tiny little X in the corner and carefully click on it so that the ad doesn't get clicked and lead you to another page.

 

Not being able to find the end of the sticky tape.

A garden hose with kinks in it.

And, the worst- forgetting your password.

 

 

 

 

                                         Ring Ring

 

Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!

           The telephone is ringing.

 

"Susan, answer the phone before I electrocute myself, trying to cut it off!"

          

Patricia nods to the beat of the music in her headphones and ignores her husband.

 

Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrrr!

The phone continues ringing.

 

Seth, still in bed, covered his ears and sighed."If that damn telephone rings once more. I swear I'll cut its voice out!" he told himself while his wife continued to ignore him.

 

Brrr! Brrr! Brrrrr! Brrrrr!

 

Seth pulled two cushions over his ears. He had tried tying them shut with elastic bands, but they had snapped.

 

"Susan!" He shouted.

 

"I'M NOT DEAF!" Susan shouts back.

 

"Answer the Fucking phone!" he told her.

 

"Look, I've lost my earphones now!" Susan complained.

 

"Yeah...Earglue, more like!" Seth replied sarcastically.

 

Susan shrugged. Placing her earphones back in her ears, she continued nodding to the beat of music.

 

Seth took an earphone out of her ear and directly shouted into it,

 

"THAT'S NOT THE TELEPHONE!" Susan replied,

 

"Why do you need me to answer the phone? I never answer it. Several days ago, caller ID showed a call from an old friend. The problem was that the friend died last year, so I knew it was a scammer. If the call is important, it will go to the answering machine.”

 

Seth threw a tantrum; out of annoyance, he ripped the telephone out. He didn't say a word all day after that. “Why don’t you get a cell phone? You can turn the annoying ringing off.”

 

"Ah, it's quiet now," Susan told him, but he just sat there with lips pursed and ignored her.

 

While Seth was leaving the room, Susan plugged the phone back in.

 

Ten minutes later, Seth got up, dressed, and returned to the room. Susan put her earphones back in and nodded to the beat.

 

Brrrr! Brrrr! Brrrr! Brrrr!

The telephone started ringing again.

 

"For fuck sake, not again!"Seth complained.

 

Susan carried on nodding to the beat of the music.

 

"Susan! ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! Seth shouted at the top of his voice.

 

Susan took her headphones out and asked, "What Phone?"

 

"That Phone!" Seth snapped, pointing at the phone on the table.

 

"It's not ringing!" Susan replied, sticking her headphones back in.

 

Seth sighed and checked the phone. He knew that it was ringing. He could hear it.

He examined the phone. He gave it a shake and put the phone near his ears.

There was no sound. He put the telephone back on the table.

 

Brrrr! Brrrr! Brrrr!

There was that sound again!

 

Susan took her headphones out and started laughing.

 

"The phone's not ringing. You won't know that because you're talking too much!" Susan told him.

 

“That's it. I'm out of here!" Seth replied. Before leaving, he ripped the phone from the wall and put it in the trash.

 

Seth came home from a pub extremely drunk that night. Earlier, he went to the Verizon store and purchased the latest version of the iPhone. It cost almost a thousand dollars. He realized that no one had the new phone number and the landline did not exist anymore, so they would have to inform all their relatives and friends, who would need to be notified. He didn’t care. The ringing would be gone.

 

As a joke, he recorded a ringtone for the new phone. It said, “Susan, answer the damn phone.” He would mute a ringtone later.

 

 

He could still hear the phone ringing when he stumbled back into the house. He looked around and found the answering machine hidden behind the couch. He picked it up and went out and put it in the trash.

 

“Now the ringing is gone,” he said to himself.

 

 

 

                                     Alien Invader

In a galaxy far, far away, Zog, a peculiar-looking alien with neon-green skin and three eyeballs, had a reputation for being one of the most fearsome invaders in the universe. His mission: to conquer Earth. With an arsenal of advanced technology and a heart filled with determination, Zog set his spaceship's course for the blue planet.

As Zog's spacecraft pierced through Earth's atmosphere, he couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement. He had heard tales of Earth's mightiest warriors, towering skyscrapers, and vast, untapped resources. This invasion would be a conquest for the history books, or so he thought.

However, as Zog landed in a desolate wasteland, his excitement quickly turned to bewilderment. First, he encountered a sign that read, "No Parking. Tow Away Zone." Zog scratched his three heads in confusion. "No parking? On my conquest list, I didn't expect parking issues!"

Undeterred, he ventured into the nearest city, hoping to find a more imposing challenge. But as he walked the streets, he witnessed humans bickering over trivial matters. People argued about the color of coffee cups, the pronunciation of 'tomato,' and even the proper way to squeeze toothpaste from a tube.

"This is strange," Zog muttered to himself. "These people should be putting up a fierce resistance, not squabbling over toothpaste etiquette."

His next stop was a shopping mall. Zog watched as people rushed from store to store, laden with bags filled with clothing, gadgets, and other assorted goods. They seemed obsessed with material possessions and consumerism.

"These Earthlings are obsessed with things," Zog observed, scratching his slimy chin. "But I came to conquer their planet, not their shopping mall."

His quest for destruction took him to a bustling political rally. Zog eagerly anticipated fiery speeches and passionate debates. Instead, he witnessed politicians hurling insults, making empty promises, lying, and engaging in petty name-calling. Many signs read "MAGA 2024". He was bewildered. The man who was speaking had orange skin and weighed over 200 pounds. “Had another visitor beat him to earth to conquer it? It sounded like he wanted to do that.” he thought.

Zog couldn't contain his disappointment. "Aren't these Earthlings supposed to be defending their planet? This is like watching children argue over who gets the last piece of candy."

Next, he tuned into a news broadcast, expecting to see stories of wars, disasters, and global crises. To his surprise, the headlines were dominated by celebrity gossip, reality TV dramas, and competitions for the title of "World's Best Singer-Dancer-Chef-Model."

"They're not even paying attention to their planet," Zog muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. "This invasion was supposed to be epic, not...whatever this is."

As Zog explored further, he encountered people helping one another, acts of kindness, and communities coming together in times of need. He saw artists creating beautiful works that stirred the soul, scientists making groundbreaking discoveries, and children playing, laughing, and dreaming of a better world.

Slowly but surely, Zog realized Earth wasn't the battleground he had imagined. It was a complex, contradictory, and bewildering place filled with darkness and light.

One evening, as he gazed at the stars from a quiet hillside, Zog made a momentous decision. He knew he couldn't conquer Earth, for the very essence of Earth was a puzzle he couldn't fathom. He decided to return to his spaceship and leave this bewildering world behind.

Zog couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness as his spacecraft lifted off. Earth was unlike any other planet he had encountered in his travels, and perhaps that was its greatest strength. He knew now that Earth's greatest threat was not from invaders like him but from its inhabitants.

"I may not have conquered Earth," Zog mused as he disappeared into the cosmos, "but Earth may just conquer itself if it doesn't learn to cherish the beauty within."

And so, the would-be invader became an unwitting observer, leaving Earth to its own devices. As he vanished into the starry expanse, Earth continued to spin, a planet filled with quirks, contradictions, and the undying hope that its inhabitants would someday come together to protect their home from the greatest threat of all: themselves.

 

                   

        

                                                It’s Only Money

        My mother was raised in Switzerland, so it was only natural that she would teach me and my sisters how to ski. We had a local hill, literally, near where we lived. On weekends, she would pack us up and spend the day teaching us the basics – the snow plow, the stem christy, and most importantly, how to fall without injuring yourself.

     On several occasions, my mom would pack and load us and everything into her yellow Packard convertible and drive almost five hours to Stowe, Vermont. Stowe is where I truly learned how to parallel ski. It was the highlight of my winter, and I look forward to it every year.

     Years later, with three kids of my own, I decided to return to Stowe. Two years earlier, I had outfitted the kids with skis and equipment.- three sets of used skis and boots at $349.00 each set, three parkas at an average of $119.00 each, three ski helmets at $65,00 each, three sets of ski pants at $33.00 each, and gloves at #30.00 each. The total was  $1788.00.

    I taught my kids the same basics my mother had taught me, and I decided it was time to introduce them to Stowe.

    My wife and I packed the car and headed out one Friday afternoon. We had reservations at the Trapp Family Lodge and intended to ski for the weekend. The cost was $891.00 per night or $1782.00 for two nights.

    The cost for ski passes was $167.00 for each child per day and $197.00 for two adults per day. This total came to $1,790 for two days of skiing. They also charged $30.00 a day for parking—another $60.00.

    The total for the weekend was $5,420.00, which included the earlier cost of outfitting them.

    I felt good about that because we had planned a trip to Disney World, which would have cost over $8000,00.

    No, I don’t feel good about that. I priced out approximately what the Stowe trip would have been back when I went with my mom to Stowe. It came to around $600.00.

    Next year, I will take them to the Museum of Science on a one-day trip.

    Inflation: a general increase in prices and a fall in money’s purchasing value.

      

                     

                                    I'm So Thirsty

Hey, Dean.

        How have you been? Hungry, I assume. You left your pack of M&Ms in the kitchen. I imagine you're still eating leftovers for lunch while writing, yes?

        It's been two whole months without a word from you. Not that I expected one, of course.

        I'm lonely, bored, and desperately need sunlight, but I'm not surprised you wouldn't have the decency to reach out.

        This is different for us, you know. It's not like when you head to camp for two weeks in the summer or when you have to do some errands. It's funny how your excuses never involve a romantic getaway.

        It's different this time. Nobody is here. Well, Tupper, your dog, is here. I thought the only thing she was "essential" for was companionship. Why can't I be your companion?

        Remember how much we used to laugh before this? We had some good laughs, didn't we? Like when you said you knew how to work on Photoshop and were given an assignment from POW, you couldn't complete it. Oh! Oh! Or when you messed up on that grant, you were writing. Good stuff, but in retrospect, those might've not been as funny to you.

        I'm hearing things about a pandemic. What is going on?

        You never clue me in on anything, I swear.

        This Coronavirus thing, though. Crazy. I know how to respect boundaries. You wouldn't see me rubbing up on some cactus or anything like that. So, like, I wouldn't have to worry about wearing a mask inside the grocery store.

        Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you.

        I miss your unshaven face at 7:30 a.m., your breath post-morning coffee, your greasy face at 2:00 p.m., and, well, basically, just your presence.

        So, uh, listen, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm super thirsty. I know I don't need water all the time, but I feel like I might, I don't know, die or something if you don't come back. I was moved to the ICU (the window next to the couch) by your wife, yet I'm afraid I'm still rather frail.

        To not waste any more of your very precious time, let me give it to you straight. If you've been meaning to drop by to pick up a few things, please consider picking me up and treating me with the respect I deserve. Unless you want to find me, the beautiful thing you stare at to get you through the workday, your most valued desk accessory, in cold blood.

        I am your responsibility, after all.

        I think working from home would be very good for us! I assume I can hang out with you, your dog, and your closet's bland clothing. It'll be great!

        This is urgent, by the way.

        I can't wait to see you!

         Yours Truly,

        The Succulent Cactus You Left For Dead