Dining With Jim

 I have a good friend. His name is Jim, and he is Italian. He believes that because of his heritage, he is a masterful chef. The truth is that he learned his culinary skills in the Navy while stationed in Greenland. Suppose you have been a member of any branch of our Armed Services. In that case, you will immediately know that there is no skill involved in cooking- it’s always the same meat with just a different sauce, always some form of overcooked potatoes and something resembling vegetables that came from a can. You would get a cake with canned icing if it were a special occasion.

 Jim’s favorite recipe is WWF chili, as in World Wrestling Federation chili. Jim is a wrestling fan and will forgo anything to glimpse Cold Steel Austin in a death match with Triple H. Jim believes these almost nightly shows are real and not choreographed prearranged dance steps. Therefore, when Jim found the recipe for WWF chili, he thought it was authentic and became a fanatic about whipping up a batch for any reason.

 

If Jim invites you to dinner and tells you he will have chili, find a way to suddenly visit a favorite aunt in Cincinnati who is on her last legs and needs you to comfort and console her. Take your phone off the hook and hide in the cellar for a few days. This is the exact amount of time that you will have stomach cramps had you eaten the chili. There is nothing chili about it. Some things are unidentifiable in the concoction, and when you ask Jim what they are, he replies, “You have to be a WWF life member to get that information, and I could get clotheslined if I told you.”

 Jim has another favorite meal he likes to cook for his friends. He calls it “Jim’s Breakfast Extravaganza.” After watching every Emeril Live show, he truly believes that he is a shoo-in with this recipe for the next time they have a cooking contest. I’ve eaten at Emeril’s restaurant in New Orleans, and I can tell you that he did not get his ideas from the show.

 This is the recipe for four people:

•  Pan-fry 2 pounds of bacon and a roll of sliced Jimmy Dean sausage until done.
• Leave dripping in the pan (about one quart)
• Carefully drop 12 eggs in the remaining fluid, ensuring they float, “so the heat from the sauce evenly cooks the eggs.
• ”Remove the eggs and put them in a bowl so the “oil-flavored sauce” does not drain off.
• Slice 2 large Spanish onions and put them into the pan with six whole cloves of garlic uncut (“That’s the Italian touch!”)
• Add enough diced cooked potatoes to absorb the “oil-flavored sauce” and cook for 5 minutes until the mixture “browns a little around the edges.”
• Remove from heat and place in dinner plate in a large “patty.” Place three eggs on top and garnish with bacon, sausage, and celery leaves.

 “You should never serve a meal that is not colorful. I have yellow, brown, white, and green!” Jim would say.

 Green is right! That’s the color you will change when you eat this meal. The mere thought of two pints (two quarts divided by 4) of pure, unadulterated grease combined with enough garlic for 200 Caesar salads and cold, runny fried eggs entering your system is enough to give up eating altogether.

 If you are going to dine with Jim, make sure you will not be with him from breakfast through dinner. Three meals cooked by Jim will…

  Please encourage Jim to pursue the Real Estate business. The world will be a healthier place.