The Muffin Man

If you see me eating a whole wheat English muffin, something has gone very wrong. Whole Wheat English muffins are grainy, too crunchy, and get warped in the toaster. They do not stand up to toppings and soak them up like a dish sponge. They disrespect my butter and make it hard to spread that golden deliciousness around. They are inappropriate and offensive and may not enter my household unless it is THE direst of circumstances. They can ruin my day.

Look, I can get put up with Thomas’s Cinnamon Raisin muffins. They have fluffy white middles and crispy little edge holes that burn a little and collect golden pools of butter that explode in your mouth with a crunchy SNAP. However, I am an English muffin purist. The raisins got too hot in the toaster, and once, I burned my tongue when the hot raisin exploded in my mouth. I had to put ice on my tongue rather than enjoy my delicious morning snack. For that reason, I will never again trust these English muffins.

On the other hand, Thomas Plain English muffins have fluffy white middles and crispy little edge holes. They taste vaguely processed in a soothing way. It was a solid buy and nothing I would be mad about to see on my counter in the morning.

However, the English muffins my wife brought home that were given to her by a friend who baked her own were terrific.

They were thick yet soft. They were sticky outside, and I still don’t know why. Maybe they were baked with lard or something. You don’t ask for perfection to defend itself. They had a minimal amount of corn meal. They were heavy. I wish I could have them again. 

So, I decided if my wife’s friend could create these awesome muffins, I could also. I searched the web for a recipe and came upon Sourdough muffins. I love sourdough bread, so I decided to give it a try.

I gathered all the ingredients – sugar, yeast, flour, dry milk, butter, and sourdough starter, which meant a trip to the store.

I mixed all the ingredients and put the mixture into a greased pan, covered it, and set it aside for two hours so it would rise. I had a project to finish, so the wait was not a problem. Unfortunately, I lost track of the time, and four hours had passed. Just as I was finishing up, I heard a loud “poof” sound from the kitchen. I went to check and found that not only had my dough risen, but it had exploded, leaving a gooey mess over the counter. I scaped everything up and put it back in the pan. I followed the directions and dusted a sheet of waxed paper with flour, scooped out small clumps of dough, rolled them into a ball, and flattened them on a baking sheet. I put the sheet in the oven and set the timer. I figured that was it, so I walked away, timer in hand, to finish my project.

After a while, smoke started pouring out of the kitchen. I checked it out and discovered my muffins had caught fire. Not knowing what to do, I grabbed the fire extinguisher I kept in the kitchen and put the fire out with it. You can imagine the mess I made. It took me two hours to clean it up.

It baffled me that this event had happened. What did I do wrong? I looked at the recipe and realized I had not read all of it, thinking that once they went into the oven, that would be all I would have to do. I was supposed to flip them halfway through cooking and put a plate on top of them to keep them flat. I didn’t do that, and they burned and caught fire.

Tomorrow, I am going to the store and buying two packages of Thompson’s Plain muffins.