Terminal Velocity Of Cats

 If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor, butter-side down. Likewise, if a cat jumps from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them out the window? Will the cat land on its feet, or will the butter always land face down? 

     Thus spoke the Oracle: 

     If you are too lazy to experiment, you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict rules of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat will always land on its feet. While falling, a cat spreads out its body to increase drag. An average-sized cat with extended limbs achieves a terminal velocity of about 60 mph (97 km/h). If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore, the cat/buttered bread does not fall but remains suspended in space.

 That's right, you clever mortal (as wise as a mortal can get). You have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's fur, allowing descent.

 

Aliens use this principle to drive their ships while traveling within our planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is that if the cats eat the bread off their backs, they will instantly plummet. Of course, the cats will land on their feet. This usually doesn't do them much good since right after their graceful landing, several tons of a red-hot spaceship and extremely angry aliens crash on top of them.

 So the Oracle says.