Hello? Is Anybody There?

 

Thank you for calling the Social Security Administration. For English, press one; para Español, marque número dos; pour la français, presse trois; für deutsch, drücken sie vier, orfay igpay atinlay, esspray ivefay; для русского, нажмите шесть. Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed. If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it anytime. If you wish to speak to the operator, dial “O,” but please remember that the Republicans want to shut us down, and we may not answer.

If you want to participate in a brief survey after this call to help us improve our services, press one. If you would rather not participate in such a survey, press two. If you think phone surveys are a waste of time, press three. If you feel a need to press something, press four.

Is this call related to a matter you are truly worried about? If it is, press one. If it is not, press two. If you have pressed one, can you say in a few words what is troubling you? If you have pressed two, please hang up and have a nice day.

I see you have pressed one and have tried to describe your worry, but I can’t understand what you said. Please repeat what you’re trying to say twenty times into the phone. Please do not rush; speak slowly and carefully. Press the star key when you’ve finished speaking.

You have pressed the star key, and I am having trouble understanding the message you recorded. Can you find someone nearby who can enunciate properly or hire an actor or professional orator to speak for you? I heard you say “no.” If that’s right, press one. If that’s not right, press two. If you want to spend additional time thinking about the question, press three. You have pressed one, so let’s try to get this done another way. Rather than mumbling and speaking so softly that only a dog could hear you, please scream into the phone as loudly as possible. Ensure you are yelling and not just raising your voice a few decibels.

You said, “The sky is green, the moon is blue, the earth is yellow, the stars chartreuse.” If that is what you said, press one. If not, press two. You have pressed two, which means you didn’t say what I thought you said. If that is true, press one. If that is not true, press two. Press three if you feel a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth puts on its shoes. If you think the truth is unknowable, press four.

You have pressed one, so we still have some work to do. No problem, let’s try something else. Please go to your computer, access a web browser, and type:

www.iamlosingmymindandprobablymyhealthtryingtoget
throughtothesocialsecurityadministration.

When the link comes up, click on it, go to the pull-down menu at the top of the page, and choose the seventy-fifth option from the bottom. While waiting for something to appear on your screen, you may want to watch the last season of Game of Thrones, read War and Peace or a book of similar length, or take a week’s vacation in Bermuda.

If you have the patience of Job and the luck of the Irish, you should now be on a page with the heading “Questions about Social Security.” In the middle of that page is a box labeled “I’ve Got a Question.” Below that box, please type in your query, and when you finish doing that, please complete the following 80 pages, which contain questions on every aspect of your life from the date of your conception. Please do not hurry to compose your answers, as they will be checked for accuracy by a government database that knows you better than you know yourself. After you finish this task, you should be old enough to collect social security. If you are already on social security, congratulations! Given our latest financial projections, your grandchildren may not be as lucky.

We want to help you to resolve your issues. Please continue to hold, and the next available agent will answer your call. The current waiting time to speak to a representative is two weeks, six days, seventeen hours, fifteen minutes, and twenty-three seconds. If you prefer someone to call you back, press one, listen for the beep, and in a calm, clear voice, leave your phone number and the numbers of two people significantly younger than you in case you kick the bucket before we can reach you. If you need additional help, you may contact a mental health provider or anyone else who can offer coping strategies for dealing with big bureaucracies that could care less about the people they’re supposed to serve. Thank you for contacting us, and have a wonderful day.