Myth Busting

 

It was a warm summer night with clear skies, a slight southerly breeze, and the smell of hydrangea in full bloom. Several friends and I were sitting on a bench beside a tennis court in our backyard, trying to polish off a fifth of King George scotch by passing it around, each taking swigs of the somewhat bitter beverage. We were feeling no pain.

The talk among us revolved around girls, not conquests but just about the girls in their senior class that we would like to date. This discussion had been going on for several hours, and we were struggling to come up with someone we hadn’t already discussed. The subject turned to urban myths.

“I heard a story about a couple parking in a secluded area, listening to music, and making out. The music was interrupted by a new forecast about an escaped psychopathic mental patient by the name of Hook who had just escaped from a state hospital that was located nearby”, stated Boomer, who liked to take charge of any discussion.

“That’s not a true story,” said Willy, who usually didn’t believe anything someone said.

“It’s true; I swear it. I heard the story from my father.

“Well, there you go,” said Willy, “Is this from the same man who believes aliens live among us?”

“At ease, Willy. He said this couple soon heard some scraping sounds, got spooked, and drove home only to find scratches around the door handle.”

Boomer countered, “They might have been smoking some pretty strong weed. How come there wasn’t anything on the news about it?”

“I heard that if you put a sleeping person’s hand in warm water, they will piss themselves,” said Trout interrupting the argument and changing the subject.

“I don’t believe that for a second,” I said.

“My cousin tried it, and he said it works,” replied Trout

“Hey, let’s try it. Your sister went to bed an hour ago. I bet she’s sound asleep.” said Willy.

Through the addled mind of the scotch, I thought: “Why not?”

Willy and I decided to test the theory, so we went into the kitchen, got a pot of warm water, and proceeded to sneak into my sister’s bedroom. She was indeed sound asleep.

“What do we do now?” asked Willy.

“I don’t know. Take her hand and stick it into the warm water,” I answered.

Willy carefully pulled the covers back, moved the pot closer to the bed, grabbed her hand, and put it into the water.

“What now?” he asked.

I answered, “Pull the covers back and let’s see if she pisses herself.”

Willy complied. “I don’t see anything happening. I guess it’s not true.”

Before I could say anything, my sister woke up and let out the most blood-curdling scream you ever heard. She sat bolt upright and just kept screaming. Willy panicked, opened the nearby window, and jumped onto the porch roof. I was ready to follow him but then remembered the water pot. I grabbed it, threw it out the window, and followed it. The pot hit Willy on the head, causing him to fall off the porch onto a hydrangea bush beside the driveway, crushing it flat. I decided it was time to get out of there, so I climbed down from the roof, grabbed Willy by the hand, and ran back to join our friends, laughing hysterically, having seen Willy fall off the roof.

“Well, that was a lot of fun,” said Willy, cleaning off the dirt and leaves from his clothes. “At least we proved it was a myth.”

At that moment, my father appeared. He was still in his pajamas, and he was obviously pretty mad. You could still hear my sister crying.

“Does anyone want to tell me what just happened?” he asked in an intimidating tone that only a parent can conjure up. “Can you tell me why there is a pot on the porch roof and one of your mother’s prized hydrangeas has been destroyed?”

No one answered him even after he asked the same questions again. It was better to say nothing rather than lie.

He soon left, and everyone decided it was time to head home.

The following day, I woke late, after my father had gone to work, and went into the kitchen for one of several cups of coffee I had decided I needed. There was a note on the kitchen table. It read:

Dear child of my loins,

I have taken your car keys and will keep them for a week or until you have finished the following list of jobs you will do around the house. I will use the money I save for not having to pay you for these duties to purchase a new hydrangea bush for your mother, which you will help her plant. Here is the list:

1.      Scape and paint the garage. The tools and paint are on the garage floor.

2.      Trim the shrubs in front of the house. Do not touch the Hydrangeas

Thank you for taking care of this. Don’t forget to retrieve the pot from the roof and apologize to your sister.

By the way, why would you think the warm water trick would work?

Dad 

“Wonderful,” I thought, “at least I proved the myth false.”