Overpopulation

Since I am an octogenarian, you may safely assume that I have no personal purpose or motive in promoting this necessary essay other than advancing the public interest. My goal is to reduce the pressures of overpopulation, to restore the natural ebb and flow of life, and to spare the public purse.

When the Census Bureau reported earlier this year that the U.S. population had swollen to more than 327 million people, it likely didn’t surprise drivers fuming in traffic jams, airline passengers shuffling through security lines, or telephone callers waiting in queues to talk to a live person. Nor is the remedy building yet more roads, wearing shoes during airport checks, or hoping for more call centers to be built in the  United States.

There are too many of us. The United States is third in the world in population size.  We rank behind only China and India. What’s the answer? Should we limit immigration or even births, as some have suggested?       

At one time, a satirical essay suggested that the children of destitute parents should be used to reduce the burgeoning population and to make money. He proposes stewing, roasting, or baking older children to provide healthful meals and that infants could furnish skin for the boots and shoes of fine ladies and gentlemen.

 

Outrageous? Of course.  And misguided as well. Why children? The young represent our future. Who knows what child who winds up in the soup might have become another Stephen King, Oprah, or Tom Brady?

Obviously, to deal with the problem, we should forgo sacrificing children as a solution. Instead, let us consider pruning the withered branches of the tree of life—the elderly. Now let them pay for dawdling in passing lanes on freeways, monopolizing harried clerks at computer stores with too-simple questions, and voting down needed tax increases. The aged live too long and consume more than just air and sunshine. Nature’s historical brakes upon overpopulation, such as war, famine, and disease, aren’t sufficient to curb the increase in longevity due to improved diet and access to medical care.

It is depressing for those who frequent the nation’s incredible shopping malls to witness the sad plight of older adults. They move slowly and cautiously, eschewing escalators and overcrowded elevators. See them struggle, virtually immobilized by dependence upon canes, wheelchairs, and aluminum walkers tipped with scuffed tennis balls,

Moreover, the cost of maintaining older people is great. Feeble and tottering, many wind up in nursing homes where prices are so high it could trigger strokes in those who must support elderly relatives financially. Some assisted living facilities charge more than $100,000 a year to provide lumpy beds and skimpy meals to seniors unable to fend for themselves.

  It is apparent from watching the lined faces of older people that life during the so-called golden years is often less than pleasant in a highly mobile, youth-oriented society. Try balancing a checkbook or texting rapidly on a tiny cell phone while encumbered with a forgetful mind and arthritic fingers.

What is to be done to speed their exit from a life that is no longer productive? First, we must employ the carrot and, if necessary, the stick.

The carrot:

Congress should create a program to encourage voluntary self-termination by older people. A working title might be Sunset Of Great Opportunity! Let the government offer a modest sum, say $25,000, to anyone aged 55 or older willing to take an early exit from this world. The stipend could finance a last trip to the slot machines and craps tables of Las Vegas casinos. Or the money could help pay for a grandchild’s college education,

Indeed, the generous financial incentive to end life peacefully accompanied by loved family and friends would be attractive.

 The stick

 But if volunteerism doesn’t work, stricter measures would be needed. I propose establishing a terminal tax to be assessed at age 65. If too few elderly took advantage of this generous offer, names could be drawn from a national lottery of tax evaders to make up any shortfall.

Family members of the departed could purchase the cremated remains of loved ones (tax deductible!) for $1,000.  Major credit cards and bitcoin would be accepted. Unclaimed remains would be strewn in the  Rose Garden at the White House, guaranteeing the departed an opportunity to render a final public service as fertilizer.

 There are, of course, those companies and industries that would prefer folks to live well into their 90’s. All you have to do is Google “products for the elderly,” you will discover it is a massive industry.

Such a conundrum.