GETTING HEALTHY

       My wife convinced me to join a health club and purchased a week of private lessons at a local health club. I'm not in the greatest shape. The shape associated with me might be round. I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

     I called the club and made reservations with a personal trainer, Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my surprising enthusiasm to get started. I didn't tell her about Tawny. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. 

 Monday: I started my day at 6:00 AM. It was tough to get out of bed, but I found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. She is something of a goddess with blond hair, an incredible figure, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile!!! Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the aerobic machines and the weight room. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast. What did she think? She was standing next to me in Spandex tights. Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! 

 Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee (I had to have a cigarette, too) but finally made it out the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then she put weights on it. My legs were wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me. 

 Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth now is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early morning, and I hadn't noticed that she gets this annoying whine when she scolds.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster, er, master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. 

 Thursday:

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I explained that I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my friggin' shoes. Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. I hid in the men's room when she wasn't looking. She sent Lars in to find me. She put me on the rowing machine, which I sank as punishment.

 Friday:

 I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Prissy, pretentious, stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader-wanna-be BITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain. I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the damn floor, don't hand me friggin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off, and I landed on a Health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the Drama coach or the Choir director?

 Saturday:

 Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill, piercing little voice, wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the T.V. remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the friggin' weather channel.

 Sunday:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a vasectomy.