Security Password Update

To improve network security following this morning's "Happy Garlic" computer virus attack, all users must change system passwords immediately upon receiving this message.

So, in keeping with compliance regulations revised in the wake of the recent "Angry Clown" bug, all passwords must be changed again this evening and once more between 8:00 and 11:00 am. Friday. These three new passwords should form a complete sentence with practical punctuation, proper capitalization, and at least one number divisible by three. Show your work.

In addition, those users affected by the "HepCat" worm must change all system passwords first thing tomorrow morning and again every 24 hours until symptoms have been gone for at least five days. Early discontinuation of password changes may encourage the development of password resistance in viruses. Also, wash your hands.

The cyber security department is working diligently to protect our network from threats. The much-publicized "Terminal Sickness" macro has continued to affect systems nationwide; security experts estimate our overall vulnerability at 2 out of 5.

To prevent identity theft, it is vital that you not write your password anywhere. With cyber criminals growing more sophisticated daily, users are also advised against committing passwords to memory. A password that can be recalled during a breakfast conversation puts your security at a terrible risk. Instead, think of your password as 8-32 characters of military intelligence that can be decrypted only by the intended recipient at an established time and place. Logistics committee guidelines recommend tattooing hints on the feet when recording such information for later use.

Use at least three special characters: &^%$#*(. The colon and period are not part of this list.

Do not use more than one of the following special characters: "!-<~}+\'. The colon and period are part of this list. Say at least three special characters out loud: *#$?↓@! You will feel better. If you do not use at least three of the above characters, your password is not strong enough. That password is too strong if you use more than five of the above characters. Please do not use your mother's maiden name as a password; we'll ask for that when you call to reset your password. Your password should not include your name or the name of anyone you know personally. Instead, borrow a name from the child of a celebrity couple, which would otherwise be considered an adverb, preposition, or dessert. Your password should not include correctly spelled words from English or any Indo-European language groups. Dead or dying languages are strongly preferred. Visit our website for a list of popular and handy phrases whose correct pronunciation has been lost to history. Please do not use a password you've used previously on our system or any other banking, security, email, or social networking site in the last twenty-five years. Overall, your code should suggest a positive approach to your life. Do not use a password that can be guessed by anyone who knows your favorite sports franchise, political party, or cooking show. The ideal password suggests a character with a very different backstory from your own. Which opportunities and privileges have you taken for granted in life? How might it have felt not to be so fortunate? Compose a brief narrative, 200-500 words.

Notice: Our Website will be unavailable for security upgrades this Friday between 1 and 5 pm EST. System improvements and revised authentication procedures will require a password change. Cyrillic keyboards are now available for purchase from Amazon.