Mushroom Accounting and Portabella Politicians

We have all heard the phrases "Fuzzy Math" and "Voodoo Economics," but have you ever heard of Mushroom Accounting? The root of this financial phenomenon comes from the adage, "Treat me like a mushroom. Keep me in the dark and feed me manure". I am referring specifically to a new hybrid of mushrooms called Fungi Vermontus.

This mushroom species lives in a specific agricultural area known as Vermont. I know this because I live there and am involved in Mushroom Accounting. That makes me a Fungi Vermontus mushroom.

The hybridization of this mushroom came about because we were kept in the dark about the town's financial stability and led to believe that a proposed bill would not impact us. We were financially sound.

At some point in a mushroom's short life, they are harvested out of the dark like we are now, no longer fed manure just to be gobbled up by Portabella politicians. I refer to the following:

1.     Our school budget seems short, and we may face an 18% increase in our real estate tax to cover this shortage. Surprise!

2.     Our trash is currently not paid for in our taxes, but we may have to pay "per bag." At $7 per 30-gallon bag, we are told that a family of five will only spend a little over $200 per year in fees. My mushroom habitat is only occupied by two "veggies" now, and we could generate enough junk mail to spend that much. What about the occasional odd piece of furniture or appliance that needs to be tossed? What is the "Trash Cost Schedule" at the local Transfer Station?

3.     We are being told that we may have to make cutbacks at our library, forcing it to close one day a week. We will also have to harvest a few staff mushrooms as well. This will cause us to lose our state accreditation. We will then be automatically dropped off the state grant (for building funds) waiting list that we have slowly been moving up on over the past few years.

As I emerge slowly into the light, I worry about what will come next…more cutbacks, a "Big Dig" revelation about the high school renovation's cost, or the over-harvesting of mushrooms causing the farm to fail.

I'm seriously considering becoming a wild blueberry in a land free of other Fungi Vermontus mushrooms and Portabella politicians. What possible impact can I have anyway? I'm just a mushroom.