I'm So Thirsty

Hey, Dean.

        How have you been? Hungry, I assume. You left your pack of M&Ms in the kitchen. I imagine you're still eating leftovers for lunch while writing, yes?

        It's been two whole months without a word from you. Not that I expected one, of course.

        I'm lonely, bored, and desperately need sunlight, but I'm not surprised you wouldn't have the decency to reach out.

        This is different for us, you know. It's not like when you head to camp for two weeks in the summer or when you have to do some errands. It's funny how your excuses never involve a romantic getaway.

        It's different this time. Nobody is here. Well, Tupper, your dog, is here. I thought the only thing she was "essential" for was companionship. Why can't I be your companion?

        Remember how much we used to laugh before this? We had some good laughs, didn't we? Like when you said you knew how to work on Photoshop and were given an assignment from POW, you couldn't complete it. Oh! Oh! Or when you messed up on that grant, you were writing. Good stuff, but in retrospect, those might've not been as funny to you.

        I'm hearing things about a pandemic. What is going on?

        You never clue me in on anything, I swear.

        This Coronavirus thing, though. Crazy. I know how to respect boundaries. You wouldn't see me rubbing up on some cactus or anything like that. So, like, I wouldn't have to worry about wearing a mask inside the grocery store.

        Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you.

        I miss your unshaven face at 7:30 a.m., your breath post-morning coffee, your greasy face at 2:00 p.m., and, well, basically, just your presence.

        So, uh, listen, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm super thirsty. I know I don't need water all the time, but I feel like I might, I don't know, die or something if you don't come back. I was moved to the ICU (the window next to the couch) by your wife, yet I'm afraid I'm still rather frail.

        To not waste any more of your very precious time, let me give it to you straight. If you've been meaning to drop by to pick up a few things, please consider picking me up and treating me with the respect I deserve. Unless you want to find me, the beautiful thing you stare at to get you through the workday, your most valued desk accessory, in cold blood.

        I am your responsibility, after all.

        I think working from home would be very good for us! I assume I can hang out with you, your dog, and your closet's bland clothing. It'll be great!

        This is urgent, by the way.

        I can't wait to see you!

         Yours Truly,

        The Succulent Cactus You Left For Dead