On School Rules

It was a cold, miserable night with a drizzle that soaked through you like a well-used car wash sponge. The building was unlit, and the alley to the back door was strewn with strands of silly string, decaying beanie babies, and broken pieces of virtual pets. It was a dangerous place to walk, but the secret meeting at the schoolhouse was important enough for everyone to attend; it was an emergency that would determine the course of future generations.

             Inside the closed, draped classroom was an aura of interpretation and anticipation of the upcoming discussions. There were eight of them sitting around an ink-stained oak table. The chairman was speaking.

             "You all know what you are here for and the importance of our decisions. We have the power and the means to change the course of future generations. We must come to an immediate course of action and act on it as soon as possible. The floor is now open to discussion."

             "Mr. Chairman. I have been thinking about this problem for over a week now, and I think there is a crack in our logic. We cannot afford to leave ourselves open for criticism, and our decisions must be based on the purest of logic, even at the expense of common sense. Our logic will prevail in the end. The populace will agree, so let's be logical about this."

             "What are you getting at? We have discussed this matter in detail, and I'm sure we all agree that we are right," said the chairman.

             "What I'm getting at is the eraser. I'm not convinced it needs to be included in our new policy. It's biodegradable, non-intrusive, and does not fall into the range of our predetermined definition of a hazard."

             "How can you possibly say that? The American Health Organization, the Medical Advisory Council, and our testing lab have determined that the digestive process cannot handle an eraser within the parameters set forth by Federal mandates. Besides, it poses a choking hazard or, at the very most, minor discomfort. We cannot and will not allow anything that poses the remotest threat, regardless of how others may view it.

            Thank you for your valuable input, but we have put it to rest. Are there any other comments?"

             Another member said, "I still disagree with the decision to include paper."

         The chairman immediately answered, "How could you even bring that subject up again? You have even stated that the trauma you suffered as a small child as a result of your misuse of this item has caused you to seek therapy as an adult. That's the end of that discussion."

             "Unless we have further discussion, we will bring it to a vote. All in favor raise your hand… that's a unanimous decision, and the motion will now become a matter of law."

             "In anticipation of this vote, I have printed out the new decree, which I will now read to you. It read as follows:"

 

To all Administrators, Students, and Staff:

            Henceforth, the possession and use of any writing implements, including but not limited to pencils, pens, or any writing implement that could cause physical harm if used aggressively, is now banned from all school systems. In addition, the use of any paper products that are designed such that their edge could cause grievous bodily harm is also outlawed. Violation of this directive will force all parties to be dismissed immediately for an indefinite time.

             This decision, like our decision to ban silly string, beanie babies, virtual pets, yo-yo, and key rings, aligns with our philosophy to eliminate any potential hazards with our young.

             Signed and sealed this 12 day of December 1998

                         The School Committee

             "Unless there is any other new business, this meeting is over!"