Karma or Bullshit

 Chicken Little was in the woods when an acorn fell on her head one day. It scared her so much that she trembled all over. She shook so hard that half her feathers fell out.

               "Help! Help! The sky is falling! I have to go tell the king!" She yelled.

"That's bullshit," Henny Penny replied. "The sky isn't falling. You are one paranoid chicken; get a grip!"

                It is bullshit, and I am trying to get a grip, but recently, I have felt like Chicken Little. My glass is always full rather than empty, but …

…it all started several months ago when my well-used and well-loved laptop decided to commit suicide by destroying itself after a high-pitched scream emanated from the bowels of its core. My screen went blank, and the laptop ceased to exist. Undaunted because I knew my data was hanging around in a fluffy white cumulus cloud over my head, I called my computer guru from the list that I keep on my phone, as many other paranoid individuals do. Ten contacts are listed, so I called my computer guru, made an appointment, and replaced my hard drive. This cost me $687.47. On the positive side, I was able to upgrade my computer with a larger and faster drive and finally get rid of Microsoft's Vista operating system designed by my morons. That was my first call.

               A week or so later, as I proceeded to shower, looking forward to a rare Vermont day of warmth and sunshine afterward, I discovered that I had no water – not a drop. Standing butt naked in the kitchen, I consulted my phone list again and called my plumber, who was feeling my pain and disappointment came right over. After little thought, he replaced a controller on my well that had shorted out because an in-line filter located just over it had leaked, causing a short circuit. This cost me $486.25, but on the positive side, he moved the filter so that it would not leak onto the controller in the future, causing a short circuit that "could have caused a fire." That was my second call.

               My third call was prompt to my healthy company since it appears when your electrical to your water system fails, you lose pressure and sediments settle. The flushing of the system and pressurizing the system cost me $389.00. On the positive side, I now have good water pressure and cleaner water.

               Last year, we renovated a room on our lower floor and, in the process, removed an overhead light that we had all intentions of replacing. No sooner had the plumber left when I was forced to make my fourth call – to an electrician. Consulting my phone list, I enlisted his help to fix the problem of sporadic operation of the other light fixtures in the room that seemed to flicker on occasion. Finding no problem, we decided to go ahead and install some track lighting instead of a single overhead light. This cost me $836.14 because I chose LED lights that will, according to the manufacturer, last for the next 25 years with regular use. I will be 94 years old and couldn't care less. On the positive side, I have more attractive lighting, producing less costly lumens with the flexibility of moving the fixtures where I want them.

               Calls 5, 6, and 7 relate to a problem with my septic system or, more specifically, my leach field, which decided independently without any prodding to fail, causing a backup backward into my basement. I discovered this when I went to the cellar to fetch a pint of Ben& Jerry's Cherry Garcia from the freezer. I noticed hot cocoa about 2" deep with chocolate marshmallows floating on the top, flooding the bathroom, hallway, and two bedrooms. After wading through the disgusting slop, kicking aside the flotsam and jetsam of personal articles, and throwing up, I managed to ebb the flow pouring out of the toilet and tub. Next on my phone list was a call to a disaster recovery company, which I had put on the list in case of a drone attack or other insurrections. They arrived promptly, donned hazmat suits, and cleaned up the mess. This took three days and, in the process, left me with three destroyed rooms. This cost me $4561.32. On the positive side, we were able to discover and eliminate several "mouse domiciles" that had been set up between the walls and to thoroughly disinfect the areas to the point you could lick the floors without coming down with some disease. That was all five off my list.

               Conveniently, the following number on my phone list was my insurance broker, who, when called, promised to stop by with an adjuster. I found out that my policy only covered $ 5,000 for a septic backup. This amount would cover the cleanup but neither the replacement of our personal items/wall-to-wall carpeting nor the construction work needed to replace what was torn down. This loss will probably be from $5000 to $6000. On the positive side, I got rid of the mice, and it allowed me to review and increase my insurance coverage to include all potential plumbing, electrical, and septic problems. That was called six off my list.

               Call seven, as expected, was to my septic company, which responded promptly and arrived immediately to pump the tank and determine the cause. Several days later, after a visit by a state inspector and a system design engineer, it was decided that I needed a new "mound" septic system because of the poor quality of the soil. The design engineer cost me $2500; the new system was quoted at $30,311.87. On the positive side, I convinced the septic company to round down to an even $30,311, saving 87 cents. In addition, when we are all done, I will have opened up my property to views I didn't have before and enough new lawn to probably set up a couple of tees and a large putting green.

               Yesterday, I had the opportunity to make my eighth call from my phone list – to the veterinarian. My two terrific, lovely labs decided to eat a brand new container of sugar-free gum – container and all. Not knowing how big wads of gum might affect them, I called the vet to be told to "rush" them over rather than a mild "it might be a good idea to have us check them out at your convenience." It seems that there is a poisonous substance used as an artificial sweetener called Xylitol that will destroy their livers – not supposedly dangerous to humans, but Monsanto says that about GMO foods. This happened after a powerful rainstorm caused our power to go out, and I had our generator running. On the adverse side, stomach pumping, blood tests, liver enzyme tests, charcoal infusion, and some medication saved the dogs. Of course, there was a bill for $687.13 and probably $30 worth of gas for the generator. On the positive side, I learned about another poison other than Apspertame, another artificial sweetener, and now my two dogs have clean intestinal tracks and a bill of good health.

               Now, that leaves two numbers on my list that I have not called – Overhead Door Company, which installed and maintained our automatic garage door openers, and Shea Motor Company, the service garage for my truck. So, to stop the bullshit, I have thrown away our door openers and have vowed never to close them because the doors might fall on top of my truck, necessitating calls to the last numbers on my list. We have also removed the list of numbers by phone because at the bottom of the list in large capital letters is the number for the Vermont State Police since we don't have a local force. I'm not Chicken Little, but I could be.

               All in all, these past few months have cost me $44,458.62. Now that is bullshit!