Finding the Right Words

 1. Maybe my parents were right, and there is a Santa Claus. I saw an ad on television last night showing a person dressed up as Santa Claus extolling the virtues and capabilities of Ancestry. com. Beneath the “Santa” were the words “Actor Portrayal”.

Por*tray – verb (used with object)  1. To make a likeness by drawing, painting, acting, or the like. To depict or represent an object or real person.

Santa must be genuine, so I have put cookies and milk out this year and sent a letter to the jolly old fellow at the North Pole with a list of the things I want – you never know.

2. As the Conservation Commission chairman, I went to a public meeting last week concerning a Canadian pipeline that will be built through the middle of our town. A beautiful light snow was falling, and everyone seemed to be in a festive mood with the Christmas holidays approaching. Refreshments were served, and you could hear the Christmas music being played next door at the school, where a Christmas Pageant was being performed. Christmas is my favorite time of year, and I wish everyone a merry Christmas.

One lady, whom I did not know and was not speaking to, overheard my Christmas welcome greeting to a friend and turned towards me and said, “Why do you people try to force your holidays on those of us who do not celebrate Christmas or believe in it?”

Mur*der – noun 1. The unlawful killing of one human by another, especially with premeditated malice.

If I respect your religious beliefs and your celebrations, religious or not, you can damn well respect mine so…FUCK YOU LADY.

3. Farmer Al decided it would be festive to attach a relatively large wreath to the front grille of his truck, which costs $35.00. New Cooling system (I think the pump) because his truck overheated - $1000.

Price*less – adjective 1. Worth more than can be calculated in terms of money 2. Hilarious 3. Extremely comical and amusing.

4. I have never mentioned the next-door neighbor to the west of me who lives about a thousand yards from us. In the seven years we have lived here, I have only spoken to him once, and it didn’t go too well, as he refused to contribute to the cost of plowing the driveway that he and Farmer Al share. I call him Phil, the Engineer.

I believe Phil, the Engineer, is jealous of the quaint farm pond that Farmer Al and I jointly own, so for the last few years, he has been hand-digging this massive hole on the side of his hill. Phil, the Engineer, must be overpaid at work because he is not the brightest person (you can hear an echo between his ears).

Problem 1: He dug a hole on the side of a hill. The lower edge of his “pond” is approximately the same height as the bottom of his “pond” on the upper rim. I guess he never heard of “water will seek its level.

Problem 2: You have heard the song “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”. I have my version called “Bridge Over No Waters.” Phil, the Engineer, has now constructed an arched bridge over his pond – very oriental looking. The problem is that he has no water source to fill the pond except what Mother Nature might provide, so I’m assuming there is a small puddle at the bottom. Ours is well and spring-fed.

Problem 3: Mosquitos breed in still water and will love what Phil, the Engineer, has provided them. A spillway gate valve control controls our pond water level so there is constant inflow and outflow. Turtles, frogs, and fish – yes, but no mosquitos.

Numb*skull – noun 1. Someone who does stupid things.